wine and the woes that come with it

I apologize for the lapse in posts! Now, the reason I haven’t written is quite simple. What did we just talk about?? Yes, sale season! I have been SWAMPED with that four letter word (s-a-l-e) and it has just tuckered me out. The last week of my life has looking something like this: work/shop-drink-sleep; work/shop-drink-sleep, over and over. Some nights, I have been so exhausted, I even skipped the drink! However, I was sure to make up for that (oh-so-important) part during my wine-tasting weekend…

Us Washingtonians are fortunate to live in a place filled with recreational opportunities – you can boat in the summer, ski in the winter, and drink wine… all year round I guess! (What’s stopping you? You can taste the vino in Woodinville, Yakima, Walla Walla, Portland… Well, that last one’s not in Washington, but you get the point.) We’ll get to that boating/water situation later, and I’m not even going to go INTO snow gear, because that is just ridiculous to drag yourself up a mountain, freeze to death, get your lips chapped, wear outfits that make you look like a puffed-up marshmallow, and claim you’re having fun. Everyone knows this fashionista hates the snow and all the fashion faux-pas that come with it, so moving on to the best of the best: wine-tasting!

First major obstacle to overcome – if you venture to the land of vino in the summertime, hello, heat wave! Also, the more you drink, the hotter you get! Therefore, the mission is this: dress to impress, while not being half-naked. Furthermore, let’s not forget the two words that were made very clear to me the first month of my marriage: no, not “unconditional love” or something silly like that. WINE STAINS. And our outfit must remember that as well.

It was a typical newlywed night in our house a few months back. The wine was flowing and the thank you notes were being written at warp speed by one of us, and with painstaking, heartfelt care by the other. (I’ll let you guess who was writing what.) It is sort of a blur now, as I have tried to forget the nightmare that nearly caused a divorce, (or could it have been an annulment? Probably!) but I will try and revisit tragedy for the sake of my loyal readers. Like I said, there was a little vino amidst the drone of thank yous, and suddenly, a chase broke out! We were running circles around the apartment, and the nimble Tinkerbell known as Erin gracefully leaped over her glass of wine sitting on the hardwood floor. Thinking fondly of my Shrek of a husband, I squealed in warning, “There’s wine! There’s wine!” Then, just as I suspected, Mr. Fee-fie-fo-fum came barreling behind me and PUNTED THE FULL GLASS OF RED WINE INTO THE CREAM COUCH. It instantly shattered and splattered everywhere. There was wine on the walls, wine on the floor, wine.on.the.brand.new.pure.ivory.couch. And then, there were sobs. It literally looked like a murder had taken place on my couch, and I was mourning the loss. And, the husband thought this was hilarious. But no, not I. Crumpled and crying, I moaned that we could never have nice things, and that soon we would be living in a cardboard box, and that such a stain could never be fixed. Weeks went by, and the tears kept coming, as we waited for our warranty technician to come save the day. He came, and he failed. Now, my couch was blue. Blood red, dark blue, grey, a big giant bruise is what it looked like – you would have never known this was once a camel-backed beautiful sofa. Despite my efforts to turn over the cushions, it was impossible. The couch was wrecked, and as I was convinced, so was the marriage. How could you possibly take care of each other if you could not even take care of a piece of furniture? So much for ever having a pet or a kid! We were too dysfunctional to even own a loveseat!

Then, one fateful night, the husband, tired of Tinkerbell’s tears, returned home with… a bin of Oxy-Clean. We lovingly bathed the couch in it, gladly withstood the stench of bleach, and waited with great anticipation to pull the cushion covers out of the washing machine. The results were: perfection. Oxy-Clean saved the couch, and our newlywed bliss! I instantly loved the couch, the apartment, and most importantly, the husband once again. But, my fashionistas, what did we learn from this experience? Numerous lessons. Don’t put wine on the floor, and if you do, don’t ever, EVER play a game of chase. Most valuable – should you stain not just your fave couch, but your favorite, most precious article of CLOTHING – Oxy-Clean can and will fix all!

Now, back to the wine tasting weekend. Fortunately, there was no need for the angel of Oxy yet. But there we were. The terrible two. Me, sweating in a strapless dress, wishing he would just let me buy him some new shorts. Him, sweating in the CORDUROY shorts and driving Miss Daisy all over Yakima. On our next trip, we will be better prepared, and I hope to see our svelte selves in one of the following suggestions:

For the femmes, I am CRAVING a maxi dress. (Truth be told, I do already have one, but it’s from last year and I just NEED another one, preferably printed.) Long, cool and breezy, these babies are the simple solutions to summer events. You could wear one for a number of W words… wine-tasting, weddings, water festivities (like as a swimsuit cover up, or for a day on the beach boardwalk, etc). I really love this one from J.Crew.

But, if you don’t love mustard as much as I do, or the 3-digit price point, this one from Forever21 is a steal of a deal!

For our man friends, what ever happened to the classic polo? This is what I’m talking about!

Then, for those stinking shorts I wish so badly he would let me buy, J.Crew has about ten thousand and seven options. I particularly like their “Club Shorts,” like these ones. Will the wine-glass-punter husband ever be the proud owner of such cute shorts? Stay tuned.